A Little Poem About Boys

Yes, these are my own sketches, and yes they are of actual boys I have liked. 

I have a love and hate relationship with them. Don't we all?

They can be arrogant, snarky, sassy, and crude.

Sometimes, they're courteous, selfless, and gentlemen-like.

If you find single when most of your friends are in a relationship,

you may find yourself wanting, hoping, desiring more.

Desperate times calls for desperate measures

You lunge at any decent guy who's willing to strike up a convo

You fantasize their lips on yours

You imagine hands locked together, walking along the beach at dusk

It'd be nice if all the hot guys in the world initiated things, you'd think.

If the guy you liked woke up one day and realised you were special

That you had a unique place in his heart

Dreams and fantasies

intangible, but sometimes they express exactly what you feel

===

Dear Half-Asian,

His bleached hair was like a madness
But now his chocolate fluffy hair can be my mattress
How intense his gaze is
What his pillowy lips makes me feel

Why his laugh is so contagious
Like the honey aroma from Castella in the oven
Just sitting and chatting next to him is just like haven

I once said my ideal man would be tall and lean
Like taecyeon, jang geun suk, or zhu zi xiao
And like my 5th grade crush, he'd be a girl-magnet
Loyal,funny, active
He possesses these qualities and beyond

Remembering the Mean Girls math class
Except I am truly terrible at math
Wishing for that overdue pack of gummy bears
Saving the tree doodle he made on my folder

Is it too late?
He's back-hugging some other girl
Do I feel regret?
Someone scored a dance with him
Could I have been more inactive?
He's made two fb officials

He's playing with me
It's a game I do not get
Sending mixed messages
His melting grins and genuine playfulness
His aloof and immaturity
Dating one, then not, then again
What's a girl to do with da boy

He's got into my dream school
the sweatshirt of those feisty colors
that winked at me in the hallways
with his unlikely entourage
he could be like Zhi Shu
and I could be like Xiang Qin
but I don't want XQ's naivety
but I don't have her admirable persistence

If we're not meant for each other
should I still try?
Or just let it be?
What's a girl to do with da boy


*I was debating whether it'll take form as a rap or a sentimental poem. I was taking a stab at poetry, so this is the product of what I came up...

Dear 5th Grade Table Partner,

Remember when,
pickup sticks were in the form of the highlighters dropped and picked up.
flushed faces, giddyness and embarrassment
WAR - decks of cards, the shouting, screaming, laughing

For crying out loud,
your scribbled mess on lined paper translated easy As
hockey jocking your way through P.E. sports
obsessive flipping of tousled ash-brown hair
deep, husky whispers that could bring chills down the spine

"Dude"
those lips became a shield against hurt
an afternoon's innocent Jenga became talk of recess

"Smark-Aleck"
a snarky comment from a teacher
I hated her that moment for judging you
while Courtney and the girls flirted with you
I hear, First cheek to cheek, then jaw to jaw
We sipped that cider through a straw.
I should have gone to camp that year.

A year later
On the yellow bus,
nauseating gasoline odor plummets through the air.
violin on my lap, my backpack squash the squeaky seat
You slide next to me
"Hey, can I sit here?"
Yes, yes, of course, I've waited for this day for a long time!
So happy. Need. More. Air. Out of Brea-
Ms. Ex-gf Blonde Locks comes over
"I know it'll suck sitting next to him, come sit over here with me."
Screw that, screw you, but I grinned back and moved to join her
Why am I so easily swayed??!

One lesson I learn from this,
Waiting for a crush to approach you,
you just might be waiting your whole life.


♥

Dear Boy with a Racket,

I've liked you since sophomore year.
Our paths might have crossed in the halls before that,
but I probably didn't notice you.
One fateful, rainy morning, I paid attention.
Your sneakers squeaked against the shiny gym floors.
I hear your laughter ring amongst the guys surrounding you,
and "Thump, thump, skipabeat, thump"
What was that? I shuddered. Why was it so drafty in the room?
Or was it just my imagination...?

You flashed a grin at me.
Temptation to lie washed over me.
"Yeah, I have legacies from prestigious BeiDa"
First time you talked to me.
My hands felt clammy and I fumbled the edges of my physical education shirt.

"Hey... your voice sounds deeper than I thought."
"Uhh.. yeah."
He probably thinks I'm weird now, I knew, but I kept at it anyways.
I suprised myself that the receiver hadn't slipped from my hands.


Our keyboards giggled at each other,
but the faces behind those computer screens were unreadable.
It was exciting to know you better, though the means could have been better.
But I liked you so much by that time I just didn't care.


No more.
No more virtual chats. No more talk.
In the hallways of school, at formal events...
Stare contests would ensue, one-sided.
I'd pretend that nothing was wrong.
You'd pretend we were still strangers.


You stepped through the doors of my classroom,
A familiar rush of pink swept across my cheeks and I think back to 2 years ago.
If only I spoke up more, if only I was funnier, if only...
I wonder if we still have a chance.
I wonder if I even
have those feelings
for you

 ♥